You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
