my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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