I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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