she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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