Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
