I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
