I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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