I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
