I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Drunk is a universal language darling
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
