good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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