I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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