his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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