Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize