I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
