I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
