I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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