Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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