Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize