just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
