i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
