I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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