I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize