You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
zippers are such a cool invention
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
