how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
