there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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