You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
