i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
