No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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