Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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