When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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