well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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