oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
