God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
