I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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