Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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