dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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