I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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