we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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