sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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