Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
