And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
