the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He better not be in your backpack
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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