my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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