i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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