I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize