pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
