just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
