My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Text me some of your sweat
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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