Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
4 words: hood of his car
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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