He uses pillows to masturbate.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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