You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
did i walk over a car last night?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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