My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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