my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How does one acquire holy water?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
