I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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