So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
