he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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