How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
