So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
