apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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