I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
