she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i drank out of a bidet.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
