Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
