im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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