my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
