Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
